Friendship

"Between friends, the buy/sell equation usually takes the form of exchanging favours. A invites B for tennis. B takes A to the airport. B fixes A's dishwasher. A helps B to write his resume. When they go out to dinner or to a movie, A and B split the tab down the middle.

For friendship to survive, it needs to be guided with care and endowed with generosity. Both sides must also perceive the mai3/mai4 (買賣) as being fair. If party A feels that she is continually giving and giving without receiving sufficient (money, affection, time or favours) from B, A will eventually act out her resentment and lash out at B. In the course of our lives, we all go through different phases. As children and teenagers, most of us have many acquaintances with whom we are thrown together at school. Between the ages of twenty and thirty we start choosing as friends those with similar goals, interests, education or pursuits. From thirty to fifty we are usually too preoccupied with children, spouse and carers to cultivate new friendships. After the age of fifty, as children grow up and leave home, friendship assumes an increasing importance (in terms of happiness and emotional satisfaction) until the end."

-- Adeline Yen Mah, in Watching the Tree

I am not inclined to agree fully with the part about A and B splitting the tab down to the middle. There are times my friends choose to pay for my dinner or movie tickets, but that's probably because I paid previously for something else, or it is an expression of his/her value of this friendship. Hence, it proves the buy/sell relationship. On another personal note, I guess that is why I tend to want to treat my friends to meals at times, because I have received so much, I want to give him/her something back.

As practical as it might seem, the buy/sell relationship does seem to hold in friendships. I remember reading in a psychological book 6 years ago, that humans are reward driven creatures. The reason why we enter into relationships (including friendships) is because we expect a reward (companion, happiness, etc.) from such.

It is always tiring when one party gives more than he receives, which the author describes aptly as "eating a loss" (吃虧). From personal experiences, such friendships usually end up dead after a while. However, those that have a healthy buy/sell relationship, that include a reciprocal in the equation, usually last, and are valued. It is nice, knowing that as you sow into someone, you reap something. Reflecting upon the current friendships I hold dear, it seems to be the case.

Seems harsh to place friendships and transactions in juxtaposition, but somehow, it's true, isn't it?